Welcome to the first ever episode of The Fucky Gaylord Show!

Since most of America is meeting me for the first time, I thought I'd answer some of your letters in a segment I call America's Bag.

Here we go:

Dear Mr. Gaylord,

Is "Fucky Gaylord" your "real name"?

Sincerely,
Mitch Gaylord
Aberdeen, CO

Fucky replies:

Dear Mitch,

Thanks for your letter. Are we related? Just kidding! I can't help but wonder if you are the same Mitch Gaylord from that piece of shit movie American Anthem and the olympics.

My legal name is Johannes Fuckforth Gaylord. "Fucky" is one of my many nicknames.

Yours,
JFG

New letter

Dear Fucky,

I bet with a name like yours, people often think you are a homosexual. Are you?

I mean, your last name is Gaylord, so you might as well be.

Sincerely,
Mitch Felatio
Tampa, KS

Fucky replies:

Thanks for your question, Mitch. I'm glad you're enjoying the show!

I've been asked about my sexuality many times over the years, starting with a rather persistent inquiry the first day of Kindergarten that lasted until I graduated from college.

The answer is no (sorry fellas). I'm no more homosexual than Mitch Gaylord is; the one from that piece of shit movie, American Anthem and the olympics, not the one whose question appears above.

But, now that I think of it, Mitch Gaylord The Gymnast was probably an ass-wrangler. So, despite the fact that we share the same last name, and the fact that our last name has the word "gay" in it, I'd like to distance myself from that comparison.

To help America keep the difference "straight" (<---- PUN!), please refer to this:

Fucky Gaylord = Likes the ladies
Mitch Gaylord = Scrotum Breath

Hope that helps!
J.F. Gaylord

New letter

Dear Mr. Gaylord,

Isn't it true that you are gay and that you have a crush on Scott Baio from Charles in Charge?

Yours Truly,
Mitch von Glove
Annapolis, SD

Fucky replies:

Mitch,

It's nice to know we've got fans in the great state of South Dakota! Thanks for your support!

To answer your question, this is a rumor that got started on the world-wide internet, following comments I made on the Today Show back in 1993 that I could only become sexually aroused when Charles in Charge was on. These comments were taken out of context and should not be construed as any kind of definitive lifestyle affirmation.

The rumor gained momentum in the Autumn of 1999 when the wire services picked up on a story that I'd offered Mr. Baio $600 to impregnate my then-girlfriend, actress Liv Tyler, while I watched. It is completely untrue that I ever offered Scott Baio $600. I mean, if he wanted to get it on with my girlfriend for free while I was tied up at the foot of the bed, I wouldn't stop him. Along with Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro, Mr. Baio is one of our nation's greatest actors and the sexual potency shimmers off of him like heat on the highway. I don't want to stand in the way of that kind of mojo! If only they'd cast him in American Anthem and not that squid-licker, Mitch Gaylord, maybe it wouldn't have been such a poo-for-all. Or, they could've cast him as the rebel/gymnast, and cast Mitch Gaylord as the weelchair/musician guy who writes the lame gymnastics music for What's-Her-Tits in the end.

Also, I tend to date some of Hollywood's sexiest ladies, so if I were excited by the prospect, it would only be a natural response to the presence of a naked lady starlet and not at all queer.

Now that the Fucky Gaylord Show is going national, I hope that this rumor will be put to rest once and for all.

Peace,
Fucky


I just want to say that I think our first show has been a success, but I am a little weirded out by the personal nature of some of the letters and the fact that they were all written by people named "Mitch". I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but still.

Thanks for tuning in!
Goodnight, kids!